If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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