If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
