Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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