dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i wish my penis had a tongue
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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