literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
