It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
This toilet bowl is my home.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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