We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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