my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
