you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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