I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
