i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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