Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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