I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
