i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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