The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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