I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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