Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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