i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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