Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The Olympian is in my bed
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
