My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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