she looked like the bat from fern gully.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
