If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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