I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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