Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
