OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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