Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
