listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
