Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
