you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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