You really coming over, don't trick.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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