My liver just broke up with me...
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
