Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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