cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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