Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
