found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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