it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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