I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
