Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
