i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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