My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
