she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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