I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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