somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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