i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
