look no pants
I am puke
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
