your thong is hanging out like whoa
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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