Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
