my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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