Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
