Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
