can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
