i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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